Archive for the Humor Category

Spelunking

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2017 by Forrest Pasky

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She: So this is your man cave?

My donut’s…dunking.

Let’s go to my woman cave.

We can go spelunking!!!

Me: Nice, but I’d rather talk about kittens.

You naughty kittens.

You lost your mittens.

Now you shall have no pie.

She: My kitten has been particularly naughty.

I expect extra pie

Me: A-la-mode?

Your a-la-mode coming

right up.

Let me put a little vanilla ice cream on your kitten

And rub it in slowy

Slowy. Slowy.

ever so slowly

but fast enough that the ice cream doesn’t melt

otherwise, I could have just used cream

let’s not waste the cool sensation of when

I blow on your cool, ice cream kitten

blow. blow. blow.

now I’m rubbing your kitten on her nose

because I know that’s what she likes

and what she needs

now your kitten’s nose is covered

with vanilla ice cream

anything to say before I lick

the cool ice cream off your kitten’s nose?

Kitten: Meow?

My thinking exactly.

Kitten: I also like spelunking.

Me: Believe me kitten we are just getting started.

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Bandwagon

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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First I jumped on the bandwagon.

Then I jumped off the bandwagon.

Then I jumped on the bandwagon.

My boss looked at me and told me I was a fickle fan

when it came to routing for the team.

I had no idea what he was talking about.

I just liked bandwagons.

 

Epilogue:

Doctor and police officer standing there.

My boss: “Can a monkey be charged with murder in this state?”

Police Officer: “No.”

My boss: “Proceed then with the operation to make me a monkey.”

Casual Wednesdays

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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Boss: You know why I love casual Wednesdays?

Me: You get to wear your “Mom pants” with the elastic waist band.

 

Boss: Well, that and all the free donuts one can eat.

Let’s go to the break room.

There’s a donut waiting there with my name on it.

 

At break room.

Me: Why is everyone gathered around the pink cardboard box

just staring?

Cynthia: Someone wrote “Asshole” on one of the donuts.

Bob: In sprinkles.

Me: I guess you were right about a donut with your name on it.

Cricket

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2015 by Forrest Pasky

I rolled out of bed to the sound of my alarm clock, put on my exoskeleton, and went to work.
Bob: How’s it going Cricket.
Me: Chirp!
Bob: Well, at least somebody got laid last night.
Cheryl: Hi Cricket. Any plans for the weekend?
Me: Chirp!
Cheryl: Well, if you’re going to climb Mount Everest can you bring me back a Dali Lama key chain?
Me: Chirp!
Boss: Hey, Cricket I have problem maybe you can help me with… I don’t know whether to promote myself or kill myself.
Me: Chirp!
Boss: Great idea. I will do both.
Me: Chirp! Chirp!
Boss: You’re right that will save the company monkey. I’ll start first with killing myself.
Later that day at the boss’s funeral…
Dave: What a shame I hear he was up for a promotion.
Me: Chirp!
Dave: Thanks Cricket you always know just the right thing to say.
Why yes, I have lost weight.

9 Pregnant Women

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2015 by Forrest Pasky

I work in technology.

It’s always great when one particular very high level manager…Big Boss…

(who thinks he is smartest guy in room) comes to meeting completely oblivious

to fact that everyone is killing themselves to deliver a technology

and makes a comment like:

“We are going to have to speed up the devilery of this technology.”

Leader of technology development (who is smartest guy in room):

“Well, I guess we could hire 9 pregnant women.”

The implication being….9 pregnant women will allow us to have this baby in one month.

Big Boss: Do we have the open reqs for the 9 pregnant women?

Self-Worth

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2015 by Forrest Pasky

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Speaker:

A good way to improve your feeling of self-worth is by putting others down.

It’s also helpful to mention how bloated and ugly they have become.

Referring to everyone as: “Hey stupid” can brighten your day as killing everyone is illegal.

Be sure to roll your eyes a lot and sigh heavily to let people know you are superior to them.

 

Me: Wow. How do you know all of this?

 

Speaker: “I’m the boss.”

 

Do You Hear Voices?

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2015 by Forrest Pasky

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Dr: Do you hear voices?

Me: Sure. How else would I know that my cat wants me to feed her?

 

Dr: We’re upping your medication.

Me: Chewable children’s vitamins?

 

Dr: If it helps you to believe that.

Me: I want a balloon.

 

Dr: Later. Tell me about your childhood.

Me: I was raised by wolves.

 

Dr: Those were orderlies at the boy’s home.

Me: Why am I being restrained against my will?

 

Dr: That’s a belt. It’s holding up your pants.

 

Me: If I’m deemed crazy will I get to miss work.

Dr: No, you’ll be promoted to boss.

 

Me: Where’s my balloon?