Archive for September, 2016

Reading People

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 30, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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First boss to second boss: Sometimes I feel my team doesn’t  respect me.

Second boss: My team doesn’t respect you either.

First boss: Thank God. I pride myself in being able to read people.

Second boss: I don’t respect you.

First boss: Are you coming on to me?

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Cry Wolf

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 29, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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My cell phone: Help! I’ve been kidnapped!!!
Me: Sigh. Bob, let HR and facilities know that the boss has locked himself in a bathroom stall again.
Bob: Sigh. Dave, I thought you were going to discuss these recurring episodes with the boss.
Dave: Sigh. I did…we had a lengthy discussion about “crying wolf.”
My cell phone: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by wolves!!!

Casual Wednesdays

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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Boss: You know why I love casual Wednesdays?

Me: You get to wear your “Mom pants” with the elastic waist band.

 

Boss: Well, that and all the free donuts one can eat.

Let’s go to the break room.

There’s a donut waiting there with my name on it.

 

At break room.

Me: Why is everyone gathered around the pink cardboard box

just staring?

Cynthia: Someone wrote “Asshole” on one of the donuts.

Bob: In sprinkles.

Me: I guess you were right about a donut with your name on it.

Subliminal

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 27, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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I watched this great documentary on public television.

It was about “subliminal” messages.

It was very good, but the whole time

I wanted to eat some potato chips really bad.

They did an exceptional job on the show.

The corporate sponsor for the documentary was “Granny Goose.”

 

It was good to see corporate America supporting such things as

“learning” and “knowledge.”

 

Afterwards, I went out and bought 10 cases of potato chips.

 

The next day at work I decided to use a more subliminal

approach to communicating with my boss.

 

Me: Good morning. You f*cking a*hole!

Boss: What did you just say?

Me: Absolutely nothing about the morning.

I love my job so much I never know what time of day it is…

 

Me later: Looks like it’s time for lunch. You god d*mn idiot!

My boss: I beg your pardon?

Me: I certainly didn’t say anything about having lunch.

On a day like today I love my job so much I could work forever.

Well, perhaps a few potato chips might be nice.

 

Me in afternoon: Look the in-vitro fertilization worked and a chicken

gave birth to a balding baboon. The birthday cake for you surprise

birthday party has been laced with goat poison.

Boss: For some reason I’m craving potato chips.

 

Me: Who isn’t?  Here’s a bag for me.

And you get the bag that has been laced with goat poison.

 

My boss: For some reason I have insatiable desire to celebrate

my birthday.

Me: I’m on the phone right now with a chicken.

If you were a goat, you would be a goat of approximately

how many pounds?

 

Me: Good. Good. Yes, the entire bag’s for you it’s your birthday.

Am I God?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 26, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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Work psychologist: The results for your tests are back.

Boss: Am I a genius?

Psych: No.

Boss: Super-genius?

Psych: No.

Boss: What comes after super-genius?

Psych: No.

Boss: Is “No” the new “Yes?”

Psych: No.

Boss: So “yes.”. I’m after super-genius.

Boss: Am I the smartest person to ever live?

Psych: No.

Boss: Thank you.

Psych: We were testing you for possible brain damage.

Boss: Your tests showed I am smarter than Einstein?

Psych: No.

Boss: Again, thank you.

Boss: When will my salary be adjusted to reflect that I am smarter than God?

Psych: God would have to sign off on that.

Boss: Am I God?

Psych: No.

Boss: As I humbly, but long suspected.

Where’s the paperwork? I’ll sign off on my new salary now.

Leadership Lessons from Jim and Santa Claus

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 25, 2016 by Forrest Pasky

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Then one day our boss declared that Santa Claus did not exist.
It was a hard sell.
Who had been coming up with those projected sales figures each quarter?

He then dismissively declared that the Easter Bunny did not exist.
You could hear audible gasps from the water cooler.
How else could you explain our product roadmap and business plan the last 3 years?

Finally, he proclaimed there was no Tooth Fairy.

Jim walked up and punched him in the mouth knocking out a tooth.
Jim picked up the tooth and handed it to the boss.
Jim: Too bad you won’t be getting a quarter for that tonight.

The Tooth Fairy smiled contently in the parking lot, while watching guard
as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny let the air out of the boss’s tires.