Boss Heaven

My Boss to God.

Boss: Is this Boss Heaven?

 

Actually, I’m Satan.

This is Hell.

But I  suppose it could also be called “Boss Heaven.”

 

Boss: You’re in my parking spot.

Satan: There’s no reserved parking down here.

Boss: This really is Hell.

 

Satan: Here’s your pitchfork. Please make your numbers.

Boss: Your pitchfork is bigger than mine.

I want a bigger pitchfork.

Satan: Here’s your photo badge. A replacement badge is $5.

 

Boss: Where are the donuts?

Satan: In the pink box.

There aren’t  any with sprinkles.

Boss: This really is Hell.

 

Boss:  That dog has 3 heads!

Satan: That’s Cerberus.

Boss: I want 3 heads.

 

Boss: When will I be put in charge.

Satan: I’m in charge.

Boss: Is there a chance I will be put in charge.

Satan: If you like, I can put you in charge of the snowballs.

 

Boss: Does the position come with a reserved parking spot?

Satan: We’ve already been through this…

 

Boss: When’s my raise?

Boss: I want a bigger pitchfork.

Boss: I want 3 heads.

 

 

 

 

Reading People

First boss to second boss: Sometimes I feel my team doesn’t  respect me.

Second boss: My team doesn’t respect you either.

First boss: Thank God. I pride myself in being able to read people.

 

Second boss: I don’t respect you.

First boss: Are you coming on to me?

Proof of the Existence of Bosses

God created humans.

Humans created bosses.

God did not create bosses.

Therefore, bosses are not human.

 

God: I can’t fault your logic.

Satan: And I thought I was evil.

 

Boss: Am I God?

Turtles

Boss to Statan: I noticed there are no turtles down here.

Satan: Turtles aren’t evil.

 

Boss: Why am I down here.

Satan: You’re not a turtle.

 

Boss: It’s hot. I want a glass of water.

Satan: The glasses of water are reserved for turtles.

 

Boss: But there are no turtles down here.

Satan: You’re starting to get the picture.

My Boss’s Bucket List

1. Try to find bucket in garage mess.
2. Spend 2^nd day trying to find bucket in garage mess.
3. Have beer to celebrate finding bucket in garage mess.
4. Come to conclusion that whatever had in bucket last just is not going to come out no matter how long soak in bleach.
5. Get a new bucket.
6. Scrub and clean bucket as rat droppings would imply has been sitting in storage warehouse long time.
7. Dry bucket.
8. Fight through garage mess to try to find shelf where can put new bucket.
9. Clear space on shelf for bucket by likely putting box of Christmas decorations in garage mess.
10. Go to work early to get doughnut with sprinkles.

My Boss’s Job Interview from Hell

Satan: Why do you want to work here?

Boss: Everyone’s been telling me I should go here?

 

Satan: We have an opening on manager’s row, but you’ll

have to share an office with Hitler.

Boss: What’s Hitler doing in Hell?

Satan: Very good. Now I see how you became a boss.

 

Satan: Do you have any experience purchasing souls?

Boss: Generally, I rent them over night and then just never return them.

 

Satan: How do you feel about people viewing you as “evil?”

Boss: I’m unaffected by jealousy.

 

Satan: How do you feel about God?

Boss: I’m comfortable with the job title.

 

Satan: How are your Powerpoint skills?

Boss: Sometimes I can talk about one slide for over an hour.

Satan: Perfect. The  Powerpoint presentation from hell.

 

Satan: How do you feel about water-boarding?

Boss: I need a bigger desk.

 

Satan: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Boss: Probably as Satan or I’d start my own hell.

 

Satan: Any questions for me?

Boss: When can I get that bigger desk?

A Thousand Lessons in Leadership

Once the octopus stopped squirting ink all over the place…

Correction, all over the God damn place…

Everyone agreed it was time to start the meeting.

 

Why my boss decided to bring an octopus to the meeting

we’ll never know. Then he opened his mouth and let us

know.

 

Boss: The octopus can teach us a great deal about leadership.

 

That was all he said. Then he added…

 

Boss: I can provide a thousand such lessons on leadership.

 

I’m afraid what he said was true.

 

The lesson about leadership involving each of us jumping

around the office on a pogo stick naked, while holding a  porcupine

was particularly painful.

 

Another time he took us to the break room and proceeded to

pour the last cup of coffee. He showed us how we could prevent

having to brew a new pot by simply pulling the fire alarm.

 

It was hard to argue with him. It’s often hard to argue when you

have no idea what the hell a person is talking about or why they

are  in charge.

 

That was part of the brilliance of his leadership.

No had any idea why he was in charge.

Who Died and Made You Boss?

Satan: Who died and made you boss?

I love that one.

Welcome to Hell.

 

My boss: I died? How is this possible I thought I

was immortal?!!

 

Satan: You died in your sleep.

Well, asleep at your desk.

Well, after falling asleep after the poisonous donut.

 

Boss: I want a bigger desk.

Boss: This pitchfork isn’t pointy enough.

Boss: Will my healthcare pay for my cat’s surgery?

Boss: I want donuts on Monday and Friday.

 

Satan to self: Man, is this guy high maintenance.

But I think I have just the perfect job for him.

 

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

I’ll leave you with our new “Greeter.”

 

Boss: Look how big my pitchfork is.

I’m smarter than you.

Do you like cats?

Did you bring the donuts?

 

New guy in Hell: I thought I was just going to be tortured

for all eternity.

I mean…something reasonable.

Casual Fridays

Boss: You know why I love casual Fridays?

Me: You get to wear your “Mom pants” with the elastic waist band.

 

Boss: Well, that and all the free donuts one can eat.

Let’s go to the break room.

There’s a donut waiting there with my name on it.

 

At break room.

Me: Why is everyone gathered around the pink cardboard box

just staring?

Cynthia: Someone wrote “Asshole” on one of the donuts.

Bob: In sprinkles.

 

Me: I guess you were right about a donut with your name on it.