Archive for July, 2014

How Many Bosses Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

How many bosses does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

With an auditorium filled with over 2000 bosses it was utterly silent.

 

The CEO realized that perhaps he had made a mistake by starting his inspirational speech with such a joke.

 

Then one of the bosses spoke up.

 

“Does anyone know how to turn on the lights?

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When Hell Freezes Over

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Satan: I’m afraid I can’t let you into Hell.

Boss: Am I God?

 

Satan: Even Hell has standards.

Boss: Thank you. I would like an ice cream cone.

 

 

Boss: When do I get my 3 wishes?

Satan:I keep telling you I’m not a Genie!

 

Satan: I’m sorry we can’t let you into Hell.

Boss: Is it because I’m smarter than you?

 

Satan: When you say “smarter”, if what you mean is a bigger

“asshole”, then yes.

Boss: I’ll need a bigger “halo” than you to indicate I’m smarter.

 

Satan: I don’t wear a halo.

Boss: Then any size halo will make the point.

 

Boss: I’m hungry. When’s lunch?

 

Satan: Hell’s closed for renovations.

Boss: Are they making my office bigger.

Satan: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly it.

 

Satan: I’m sending you back to Earth until the renovations

are complete.

Boss: When will that be?

 

Satan: When Hell freezes over.

Am I God?

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Work psychologist: The results for your tests are back.

Boss: Am I a genius?

 

Psych: No.

Boss: Super-genius?

 

Psych: No.

Boss: What comes after super-genius?

Psych: No.

 

Boss: Is “No” the new “Yes?”

Psych: No.

Boss: So “yes.”. I’m after super-genius.

 

Boss: Am I the smartest person to ever live.

Psych: No.

Boss: Thank you.

 

Psych: We were testing you for possible brain damage.

Boss: Your tests showed I am smarter than Einstein.

Psych: No.

Boss: Again, thank you.

 

Boss: When will my salary be adjusted to reflect that I am smarter than God?

Psych: God would have to sign off on that.

 

Boss: Am I God?

Psych: No.

Boss: As I humbly, but long suspected.

Where’s the paperwork? I’ll sign off on my new salary now.

Congratulations

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

college_ed

 

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

 

 

 

 

 

No for an Answer

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

An important lesson I learned early in business

was to never take “No” for an answer.

Me to boss: Are you dead?

Boss: No.

Me: I believe you are mistaken.

Me to CEO: Can I bury my boss in your office?

CEO: No.

Me: I believe you are mistaken.

Me to head of HR: Can I bury my boss and the CEO in your office?

Head of HR: No.

Me: I believe you are mistaken.

Me to receptionist at front desk: Can I bury my boss,the CEO,

and the head of HR in the lawn next to the parking lot?

Receptionist: Sure. Please sign out for the backhoe.

Jim needs it to bury his boss at 11:15.

Amanda her boss at 11:30.

Work Epiphany

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

As I repeatedly kicked my boss in the crotch

with my boot the man who always wore

a vest made of dynamite to work began to cry.

 

Slowly at first and then more and more,

until finally he was openly sobbing.

 

Dynamite vest man:

Why, oh why are you doing this?

What could possibly make you do something like this?

Especially, with the Christmas present

I gave you of the steel-toed boots.

 

It was at that point I had an epiphany.

 

He was right.

How inconsiderate I had been.

 

I went to my office and put on my steel-toed boots

and returned to my crotch kicking.

 

Although, my boss was unconscious

from all the kicking I could tell he was happy.

It was as if his soul had been washed.

Well, washed with sulfuric acid.

 

Still, it was pretty clean.

What About the Shoes?

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

eb103

 

If you are ever thinking about killing someone,

say your boss,

I would look at their shoes.

Then you should ask yourself:

“Is it fair that those shoes should go before their time?”

Because it’s pretty unlikely that they are going to take the shoes

off of some dead guy and give it to some other guy.

Those shoes are probably just going to be thrown away.

Thrown away before their time.

And you have to ask yourself what have those shoes

ever done to you that you would do something like this to them?

So the next time you think about killing someone, say your boss, ask:

“What about the shoes?”

Of course, if the shoes are old and dirty and worn out… kill away.

Guy probably deserves to die anyway.