Archive for June, 2014

Decisions

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

I couldn’t decide whether to put the roll of toilette paper in so that it

would unroll over top towards the front or behind the roller closer to

the wall.

 

Life is so unfair…

 

…and filled with decisions. Many of which can be of a life or death

nature. Or worst, on how to put in a roll of toilette paper.

 

Deep inside I knew that no matter how well thought out my

decision, inevitably someone, probably someone who ate cheese,

would be unhappy about it.

 

Over the top to the front might be too bold an affront into a person’s

personal space, whereas closer to the wall would put reaching the

paper a toilette paper’s roll diameter dangerously further away,

risking a lawsuit if someone should fall off while reaching for it.

 

I called my lawyer, but said he did not use toilette paper.

 

He did point out, however, that scented toilette papers could

lead to an act of litigation, much like it had for companies that

did not strictly enforce the ban on women wearing heavy

perfume in the work place.

 

He also advised that I take down all the barbed wire

I had strung in the bathroom.

 

When I sought spiritual guidance regarding my dilemma the priest

pointed out in his studies of Noah and his Ark, that humans were

the only animals that used toilette paper. For the first time in my

life I was glad to be born human.

 

Then my boss called to ask why I was 4 hours late for work.

 

In summary, I removed all rolls of toilette paper from the

house as I did not expect Noah to show up in his Ark and

need to use my bathroom.

 

I reflected on this when I had my boss over that night for

dinner and served my grandmother’s “Call-Urgent-Care”

Chili that had been sitting in my refrigerator since

Ground Hog’s Day.

 

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Rat Race

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

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Carpooling with God

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

One day on the morning commute

God appeared in Bill’s passenger seat

Bill happily swerved into the car pool lane.

Bill: “Hi God. How’s it going?”

God: “Bill I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

“You’re going to die today, but I’ll give you the choice of

dying in a horrible car crash this morning. Or you can go

to work and use the day to get your things in order and die

peacefully in your sleep tonight.”

Bill: “Hmph.”

Then Bill yanked the wheel hard to the left crashing into a cement over crossing and killing both himself and God.

As Bill and God’s spirits started their ascent to heaven God was puzzled.

God: “What the f*ck Bill?”

Bill: “Screw it. At least I got out of a day of work.”

Weekly One-on-One

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

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Oh great, it’s time for my weekly one-on-one with my boss.

It pretty much consists of him just quoting and misquoting a bunch

of business or other  clichés that pass as “boss-speak.”

 

My Boss: Work smarter  not harder

Me: Why don’t we work stupid and lazy?

Well,…I guess we can’t all be on the CEO track.

 

My Boss: Follow your passion

Me: What if my passion is killing you?

 

Boss: You’ve got to stop beating yourself up.

Me: Actually, I brought this baseball bat for you,

so I could follow my passion.

 

Boss: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Me: My impression was you made some kind of mixed drink

with alcohol in it. Did someone give you lemons this morning?

 

Boss: People are our greatest asset.

Me: Does that explain your hoarding rolls of toilette paper from

the men’s room behind your desk?

 

Boss: It’s a game changer

Me: You mean like switching from the Superbowl to The Wheel

of Fortune during half time at your house and thinking that nobody

would notice?

 

Boss: Was the “All Hands Meeting a Spelling Bee?”

Me: No, everyone but you  just used a spell checker on their

Powerpoint presentation.

 

Boss:  I was just talking out load.

Me: Perhaps listening to the voices in your head?

 

Boss: Did you say there was lemonade?