Archive for May, 2014

Subliminal

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

I watched this great documentary on public television.

It was about “subliminal” messages.

It was very good, but the whole time

I wanted to eat some potato chips really bad.

They did an exceptional job on the show.

The corporate sponsor for the documentary was “Granny Goose.”

It was good to see corporate America supporting such things as

“learning” and “knowledge.”

Afterwards, I went out and bought 10 cases of potato chips.

 

The next day at work I decided to use a more subliminal

approach to communicating with my boss.

Me: Good morning. You f*cking a*hole!

Boss: What did you just say?

Me: Absolutely nothing about the morning.

I love my job so much I never know what time of day it is…

 

Me later: Looks like it’s time for lunch. You god d*mn idiot!

My boss: I beg your pardon?

Me: I certainly didn’t say anything about having lunch.

On a day like today I love my job so much I could work forever.

Well, perhaps a few potato chips might be nice.

 

Me in afternoon: Look the in-vitro fertilization worked and a chicken

gave birth to a balding baboon. The birthday cake for you surprise

birthday party has been laced with goat poison.

Boss: For some reason I’m craving potato chips.

Me: Who isn’t?  Here’s a bag for me.

And you get the bag that has been laced with goat poison.

 

My boss: For some reason I have insatiable desire to celebrate

my birthday.

Me: I’m on the phone right now with a chicken.

If you were a goat, you would be a goat of approximately

how many pounds?

 

Me: Good. Good. Yes, the entire bag’s for you it’s your birthday.

Feelings

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Sometimes I have feelings.

Like the time I saw that duck.

First, I felt an overwhelming sense of love.

Then it was all I could do to control my anger.

I told the duck of my feelings.

He said it was OK.

He wanted to kill me too.

Then I went to see my boss

I looked at him and had deep feeling of sadness.

I tapped on the glass to let him know I understood.

Me: “I feel your pain.”

Boss response: “Glub.”

Further response: “Bubble.”

Actually, I guess that was a fish in the fish tank.

But I still concluded that my boss had no feelings.

I went back to the duck to tell him

of my experience with feelings both

with the fish and my boss.

He said he still wanted to kill me.

He also wanted to kill my boss.

Bossi-ossity

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

My boss: Do these pants make me look fat?

Me (Sigh.): You’re not wearing any pants.

My boss: That explains my chair and the skid marks.

 

My Boss: Is it time for my bonus yet?

Me: No, you had your morning bonus just an hour ago.

My Boss: What about my mid-morning bonus?

These belt-tightening measures are going to make tough

if these pants make me look fat.

 

Bigger Boss: Not in my backyard.

Me: Well, that’s almost a full sentence.

My Boss: Your office has a backyard?

Does it have a hammock?

 

Bigger Boss: Work smarter not harder.

My Boss: I think he just asked you to do some yard work.

 

Bigger Boss: Who moved my cheese?

My Boss: I think it’s behind the pickle jar.

 

Bigger Boss: We’re a learning organization.

My Boss: I’ve learned to organize the cheese,

so it’s in front of the pickle jar.

 

The velocity of the  bossi-ossity was starting to weave

a magic spell of super genius upon us sub-boss, sub-humans.

 

Joe: Hey, who put the cheese in the pickle jar?

Boss Musings

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Some people said I was crazy.

Others said I was insane.

Still others said it looked like I had seen my share of ducks.

OK, well perhaps there was some accuracy regarding the ducks.

 

All of these were true.

Except for the crazy, insane, and ducks.

 

My boss walked in

My boss: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

 

Me: Well, then I must be becoming the strongest man in the world working for you.

And did you say you wanted me to kill you?

 

My boss: I’m just trying to get my head around it.

Me: Mmmmm. Good thing your head is made out of Play Doh.

 

My boss: I’m having an epiphany.

Me: Oh man, you couldn’t wait until you got to the men’s room?

 

Me: So, anyway once upon a time.

Hey, I didn’t see you there Goldilocks, Cinderella, and the 3 Little Pigs.

 

Some people called my boss “Curious Bob.”

Which was curious as he was neither curious nor was his name Bob.

Perhaps it was his haircut.

 

It was curious as to why any human being would have such a haircut.

Well, I suppose if you were in prison and the other inmates hated you,

they might give you such a haircut for humiliation’s sake.

 

Me to duck: Duck, do you consider my boss an idiot?

Duck: Quack.

Me: Well, that’s a polite way to put it.

It Wasn’t My Place

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

deadboss

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

When the boss wore a clown suit to work and a rainbow afro

I didn’t complain.

It wasn’t my place.

When the boss’s clown suit and rainbow afro caught on fire,

when he was juggling a baby along and those torches and knives I didn’t complain.

It wasn’t my place.

When the boss in his burned clown suit and rainbow afro caused our stock

to fall 99% in value one day when he misspoke and told the press we recycled

nuclear waste into baby food I didn’t complain.

It wasn’t my place.

When the boss came over to my house unannounced

to see if I had taken any office supplies.

I shot him.

It was my place.

And I had a paperclip.

How to Like Your Boss

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

It makes things easier if I can find something

to like about a person.

For example I look at my boss and think:

Someday this guy is going to be dead.

This always bring a smile to my face.

And allows me to like my boss.

We were having this meeting where he was pontificating about what a business genius

he was and why we were so lucky to be working with him.

After the meeting he came up and thanked me for being the only person who really “got it”,

since he could see me nodding my head and smiling the whole time.

Now, when I see him in the morning I say, “How’s it going boss?”

And give him a great big smile.

When it came time for my annual review I got a huge raise.

He said that I was the only person in the office,

who appeared to enjoy doing his job.

I just smiled.

Someday my boss will die.

I will smile at this funeral,

but will cry when we go to get pizza as I realize he is dead.

And I no longer have this day to look forward to in my life.

Mystery Donuts

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

My 1st thought was where did these donuts come from.

My 2nd thought was how long have they been here on the floor.

My 3rd thought was who let that dog in here and the patches

of frosting he has licked off  the donuts are barely noticeable.

Anyway, everyone loves donuts in a meeting,

especially if they are in a pink box.

A pink box salvaged from the top of the dumpster

from the last considerate person who brought in donuts

a couple of weeks ago.

Yes, everyone loves donuts in a meeting.

Well, except me.

I hate donuts.

So, I really hope everyone appreciates the effort I made,

since I won’t be enjoying any of these donuts with them.