Archive for April, 2014

Thinking About Others

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Today you should think about others.

For once in your goddamn life.

When you drink out of the milk carton in the refrigerator

put the empty milk carton in the trash not back in the refrigerator.

When you take the lint out of the lint trap in the dryer don’t put it

in the empty milk carton you put back in the refrigerator.

When you pee put the toilette seat down.

Don’t pee in the empty milk carton with lint in it

in the refrigerator.

Before turning the channel ask: “Are you watching this?”

While watching your program politely show people your milk carton.

After you drink the last cup of coffee at work

you might consider actually brewing another pot.

Or at least consider not putting a yellow sticky note

on the coffee maker that says: “Out of Order.”

Putting 3 orange safety cones around your milk carton

in the middle of the floor is also acceptable.

When at work with your milk carton

if your boss confides in you that he is going to die in a month.

Nod somberly acknowledging that you understand.

You can do you touchdown dance later back at your cubicle

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At The Top

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

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I Feel Your Pain

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Sometimes the right thing to do when responding to people who are

talking needlessly is to use a former Presidential “catch phrase.”

Some guy at work was telling me about how much he hated

his boss or job or something.

My response: “I feel your pain.”

He smiled and seemed pleased with this response.

 

Then I think some woman at work was telling me about her diet

or something and how she had lost 10 lbs.

She seemed pretty happy.

My response: “I feel your pain.”

Her response didn’t seem as pleased.

Maybe it was mixed.

Anyway I was done talking with her.

 

Then I talked with oh let’s call him “Mr. Crazy.”

By this point in the morning after listening to all these

conversations and being about an hour after breakfast

my attention span was shot.

 

It was all I could do to acknowledge that his lips

seemed to be moving in shapes that were perhaps

producing words.

 

He seemed mad about something.

My response: “I feel your pain.”

 

This really set him off.

 

Later I found out he had accused me of having an affair

with his wife and taking his parking space.

 

I’ve seen his wife.

He should stop worrying there.

She’s pretty much affair-proof.

 

But I could see why he was upset about that parking space.

It was a nice parking space.

 

Later on in the parking lot on the way home

he confronted me at my car.

What a hot head.

I reiterated that : “I felt his pain.”

 

I tried to make him feel better by telling him no one

in their right mind would have an affair with his wife.

Still, I felt bad about taking his parking space

as I backed up and ran over him.

Like Riding a Bicycle

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

The President had just give his State of the Union Address

and everyone in the office was talking about their sex life.

This was a bit awkward for Bill as it had been a while,

since he had been with a woman

and he had a special date this weekend.

Frankly, he was a bit concerned if things went well

that his performance wouldn’t be up to snuff.

Fred: “Don’t worry sex is like riding a bicycle.

You just need to get back on and it will all come back to you.”

Bill  had a similar discussion with Dave who likewise replied.

“Don’t worry sex is like riding a bicycle.”

Finally, Bill went to see his boss, Bob.

He opened the door to Bob’s office.

Bill: “Holy crap Bob, why are your pants down around you ankles?!!”

Bill: “And what the hell are you doing to that bicycle?!!”

Finally, Bill went to see his boss, Bob.

He opened the door to Bob’s office.

Bill: “Holy crap Bob, why are your pants down around you ankles?!!”

Bill: “And what the hell are you doing to that bicycle?!!”

Thinking Out Loud

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

In my boss’s office:

Me: “You’re an asshole.”

My boss: “What?”

Me: “Oh, I was just thinking out loud.”

My boss: “Errr…ok.”

In staff meeting with my boss:

Me to boss: “You’re a real dick head.”

My boss: “What?!”

Me: “Just more thinking out loud again.

Don’t worry I would never say anything like that.”

Boss: “ok…but why is everyone else laughing?

Me: “They saw a clown at lunch.”

In my boss’s boss office with both of them:

Me: “I wish you were dead.”

My boss: “Chuckle. More thinking out loud?”

Me: “No.”

My boss’s boss: “I wish he was dead too!

Cannibalism in the Work Place

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

My boss came to me one day and mentioned the growing phenomenon of “cannibalism” in the work place.

He even mentioned that many people actively offered themselves up as tasty meals to the cannibals.

Having become accustomed to such “observations” routinely by my boss over the year,

I decided to review the tapes created from the camera the company made him wear on his head,

much in the same way as some police departments record “incidents” with cameras from their

cars to protect against potential law suits.

Here’s what the camera captured on “cannibalism.”

My boss to administrative assistant Linda: “Good morning.”

Linda: “Bite me!”

My boss to janitor in break room: “Great job.

Things are looking spic-and-span around here.”

Janitor: “Why don’t you eat me?!”

My boss to CEO: “How’s it going today?”

CEO grabbing his crotch: “Try hard not to choke on this!”

Hmmmm. Maybe he was on to something.

I went to congratulate him on his astute work observation.

Unfortunately, when I opened the oven his head fell off and I spent the next hour practicing

my soccer penaltykicks completely forgetting to take him out for more basting.

I felt bad about ruining the meal we had planned to celebrate his big promotion.

Even though it was probably someone else’s fault.

When his wife and family arrived I sent out for pizza.

If I Could Have Anything in the World

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

One morning at work while having an early brainstorming session a colleague

asked me the question if I could have anything in the world what would it be?

Me: Probably to be able to get free candy bars out of the vending machine in break room.

My colleagues seemed taken aback. Probably because of my selflessness.

Guy1: What about being the richest man in the world?

Me: Why would I need all that money if I could get free candy bars?

Guy2: How about being able to have sex with all of the most beautiful women in the world.

Me: Do they have candy bars?

Guy3: If I rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out and said I had one wish,

my one wish would be to have an infinite number of wishes.

Me: (To self) Idiot. Guess this guy won’t be getting any free candy bars.

Guy4: Come on let’s go to the break room. I’ll buy you a candy bar.

Me: Are you a genie?