Boss-Speak

Boss-Speak

My boss likes to use business clichés that he hears

that he often misinterprets or has no idea what they mean,

but I think he just likes the sound of the words

or the sound of his own voice when he says something

that he thinks is important business-speak.

Examples:

Boss: We need to work smarter, not harder.

Me: What about the stupid people?

They may have to work harder because they can’t work smarter.

Boss: Errr, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Me: Take your time.

I suspect you will have to work hard on your answer.

Person: Oh my god, one of the toilettes is clogged

and the men’s room is flooding.

Boss: Sounds like a lack of synergy.

Me: Sounds like if the last guy didn’t flush,

you should flush for him before you go.

Boss: It’s a no brainer.

Me: I will trust your judgment on this one,

as that is your area of expertise.

Boss: We need to think outside the box

Me: Look I live in a box. It’s called a cubicle.

You have an office big enough for a small golf course.

Boss: We need to think outside the golf course?

Boss : We need to think outside on the golf course?

Boss: Who wants to go golfing?

Boss: Synergy?

Boss: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Me: Then I’m becoming the strongest man in the world,

because I’m in a constant state of wanting to kill you.

Boss: We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

Me to self: (No comment needed.)

Boss: Would a salve or ointment help?

Me: What?

Then I shook by boss hard so his tiny pea-sized brain

would roll back into its holder.

Boss: Do lunch or be lunch.

Hey, is it time for lunch?

Me:  Back to normal.

Out to lunch.

Yes. Let’s go out to lunch.

Boss: I like waffles.

Me: Focus. Focus. It’s lunch.