Archive for March, 2014

Every Day is Monday In Hell

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

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Boss-Speak

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Boss-Speak

My boss likes to use business clichés that he hears

that he often misinterprets or has no idea what they mean,

but I think he just likes the sound of the words

or the sound of his own voice when he says something

that he thinks is important business-speak.

Examples:

Boss: We need to work smarter, not harder.

Me: What about the stupid people?

They may have to work harder because they can’t work smarter.

Boss: Errr, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Me: Take your time.

I suspect you will have to work hard on your answer.

Person: Oh my god, one of the toilettes is clogged

and the men’s room is flooding.

Boss: Sounds like a lack of synergy.

Me: Sounds like if the last guy didn’t flush,

you should flush for him before you go.

Boss: It’s a no brainer.

Me: I will trust your judgment on this one,

as that is your area of expertise.

Boss: We need to think outside the box

Me: Look I live in a box. It’s called a cubicle.

You have an office big enough for a small golf course.

Boss: We need to think outside the golf course?

Boss : We need to think outside on the golf course?

Boss: Who wants to go golfing?

Boss: Synergy?

Boss: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Me: Then I’m becoming the strongest man in the world,

because I’m in a constant state of wanting to kill you.

Boss: We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

Me to self: (No comment needed.)

Boss: Would a salve or ointment help?

Me: What?

Then I shook by boss hard so his tiny pea-sized brain

would roll back into its holder.

Boss: Do lunch or be lunch.

Hey, is it time for lunch?

Me:  Back to normal.

Out to lunch.

Yes. Let’s go out to lunch.

Boss: I like waffles.

Me: Focus. Focus. It’s lunch.

Dead Snake Happiness

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 28, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

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I’ve reached a point in my life

that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Just seeing a dead snake on the side of the road

puts me in a better mood.

That’s the beauty of life.

Sometimes your entire perspective can change

just by seeing a dead snake.

And it’s not even a matter if you have more

dead snakes that your neighbor.

Or if you friend at work has “nicer” dead snakes.

You’ve got a dead snake and that’s all that matters.

Sometimes life is that simple.

Some guy:“Oh my God the world just blew up!”

Me:“Were there any snakes killed?”

Some guy: “Yes. All of them.”

Me: “Get me my happiness stick and my snake piñata!”

How Not to Be Eaten By Lions

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

The meeting was titled: “How Not to Be Eaten By Lions”

At first we thought it was funny when the boss caught on fire.

Then we thought it was really funny.

Actually, hilarious.

Then not so funny when we learned we would not be getting any balloons.

HR walked in and said we should probably do something.

We discussed this premise for some time.

Joe sent out for pizza.

We finally conclude that HR was absolutely right.

We needed to do something as soon as possible.

After the additional pizza Joe ordered arrived.

Fortunately, there was a guy that drove a car

to work that ran on water.

He kept a red can in his office that said “flammable”,

which I believe is Spanish for water.

I dumped the contents over the bosses head,

but was immediately disappointed by the results.

The 2nd round of pizza did not come with buffalo wings.

In summary, I felt the meeting was successful.

Nobody was eaten by a lion.

A bunch of homeless people entered the meeting

at one point and we shared the pizza with them,

that’s why we had to phone in a 2nd pizza order.

Life is filled with this kind of thing.

They’re called details.

Later HR came back and handed out t-shirts

to make sure that everyone’s morale was lifted.

They also proposed we have a Ping Pong tournament.

Finally, much to everyone’s relief

the man came in with balloons.

My Boss Meets the President

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

President of the United States to my boss:

Here’s your award for being a great boss. I wish you were dead.

My boss: Thank you.

President: Sure. I wish you were dead.

Boss: Are you comfortable with me sending you a Christmas Card?

President: That would be nice. I wish you were dead.

Boss: So we are best friends now?

President: I don’t see how it could be interpreted any other way. I wish you were dead.

Later.

My boss to me: Google: “I wish you were dead”. I think the President was coming on to me.

Easter Egg Excitement

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

If your boss dies and nobody cries

it may not mean that people are not upset.

I may merely mean that they don’t care.

They could still be very upset…

about having to pick up his work load.

Or having to dispose of his body.

Try to show some sensitivity.

For example restrict your touchdown dance

to the table top in the largest conference room.

Do not run out of the crowd at “Dancing with the Stars”

to do your naked version of the touchdown dance.

This might be interpreted as insensitive and possibly witchcraft

if you are waving burning an effigy of your boss while you dance.

You should always take into consideration the feelings of others.

Some people may have wanted to kill him and now that he is dead

their dreams are forever shattered.

Show some compassion.

Don’t order pizza and eat it out of the boxes placed on top of his dead body.

Such behavior might be upsetting to cannibals,

who may have wanted to eat his unused brain.

In summary, make it look like an accident.

Take his dead body and dress him up like Abraham Lincoln.

Then take him to the Ford Theatre and reenact Lincoln’s assassination.

For some reason people seem to enjoy these Civil War reenactments.

You could also pay tribute to the anniversary of man

landing on the moon by dropping him out of an airplane.

When all else fails get fireman’s hose and attach it to a fire hydrant.

Place in mouth of his dead body and ask if he would like a sip.

When you turn the hose on full throttle and water squirts

out his nose and ears this is bound to lift everyone’s spirit.

It’s like the excitement of finding an Easter Egg.

Well, like finding an Easter Egg in August

inside your sock drawer that is rotten and stinking.

Nonetheless, it’s still exciting.

No Brainer

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Probably the most disturbing business cliché I hear is:

“Let’s go open kimono.”

This makes me want to punch the person who says it

to  make sure his kimono stay securely closed.

I think casual Friday is about as familiar

as I want to get with anyone at work.

Women never use this phrase in business.

Perhaps their kimonos are at the cleaners.

More likely women are just not as stupid

as the men I hear using this line.

Another amazing stupid cliché is “It’s a no-brainer.”

It’s usually the stupidest person in the room making this remark.

When boss says: “It’s a no-brainer.”

I reply: “I would think that is obvious

if you are making the observation.”

He usually looks back at me puzzled.

Like they just got a case of brain freeze

from eating ice cream too fast.

“What’s the matter I ask, experiencing a no-brainer?”

I think for casual Friday when I’m in big meeting I’ll say:

“It’s a no-brainer that this meeting needs be open Kimono.”

I’ll start to take off my pants,

while exiting the room to go get lunch.

If , when I return from lunch,

everyone is sitting naked around the table,

I’ll know my boss took over and ran the meeting.

That observation is a no-brainer.