Archive for January, 2014

Wish I’d Brought a Hat

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

One day I woke up in hell.

Since I couldn’t remember a thing from the previous evening,

I didn’t know if I had just died and gone to hell

or if I had gotten drunk and passed out in hell the night before.

I pinched myself.

Oh, wait that just to confirm you’re not dreaming.

I was pretty sure that I wasn’t dreaming

because I really had to pee

like when I regularly wake up.

Great, hope that pinch doesn’t leave black-and-blue mark.

I started to walk down the sidewalk in hell.

Just minding my business.

Man it was hot.

Wish I had brought a hat.

Hey, look there’s my boss.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Jesus.

Here I’m in hell and my boss is here giving me work to do.

Why couldn’t  I just have been dead?

Incomplete Idiot

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

I used to think my boss was a complete idiot.

For years I thought he was a complete idiot.

But then one day I realized he was an incomplete idiot at best.

He couldn’t do a lot of things that the other idiots could do.

I watched as he sat with the other bosses who were complete idiots

and as he struggled to keep up.

One boss had stuck a pencil in his ear and was talking into a banana like it was a telephone.

Another boss was bouncing what he thought was a rubber ball

on the ground repeatedly.

It was his kidney.

My boss just sat there.

You could tell he wanted to put his banana up his nose,

but he just sat there with a garden hose in one hand

flooding the room.

It was like a connect-the-dot drawing with only one dot

and he couldn’t connect that single dot.

I actually felt sorry for him.

My urge to kill him momentarily went away.

Momentarily.

Finally, his boss who was a complete idiot walked up and shoved the banana  up his nose and stuck the hose in his ear.

“What’s for lunch waiter, I’m famished?”

Suddenly being incomplete didn’t seem so bad.

My Boss Gets Therapy

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Copy of scan0003

CLICK ON IMAGE TOENLARGE

 

Happy

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

happy

Then the “All Hands Meeting” began and the mindless prattle spewed forth…

Synergy.

Game changer.

Think outside the box.

Trapped, I wondered why I hadn’t called in sick this morning.

Or at least cut off my ears.

It is at times like this that I imagine a giant human meat grinder,

so I can jump into it.

In desperation I stood on my chair and began to scream

hoping that security would escort me from the premises,

but then everyone else got on their chairs

and began to scream as well.

At that moment a piece of blue ice from a airplane

crashed through the ceiling hitting my boss on the head.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_ice_(aircraft)

I was happy.

Not in a happy way happy.

Happy in a you know your boss is dead way happy.

Stick and Carrot

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

 

 

stickandcarrot

I’m one of those super-smart and powerful business managers.

The kind you probably work for right now.

And my boss believe it or not, is an even smarter and more powerful business manager than me.

For some reason I was having a problem

with the performance of some of my people.

So my super-smart, boss-mentor gave me some advice.

“Why don’t you try a stick and carrot approach.”

I told you he was brilliant, even smarter than me.

So I invited let’s call him “Ted”,

to my office to discuss his recent job performance.

Me: “Ted, I’d like to talk to you about your recent work.”

Ted: “Why are you calling me Ted?”

And then I hit him with a stick.

Ted: “Owww! What the…”

But before he could crawl back to his chair I clubbed

him with the carrot.

Ted: “I’m going unconscious.”

Me: “Are you properly motivated?”

Ted: “I’m the UPS delivery man.”

It’s All About Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

Our Boss: All bow in honor my humbleness.

Jesus: Don’t you mean “humility?

Boss: Humidity? Does it look like rain?!!

And don’t correct me homeless guy in a dress.

Boss: This morning I had an epiphany.

When I was reading the Bible I realized it’s all about me.

Jesus: You have a great deal to be humble about.

What About Otherworldly?

Posted in Humor on January 25, 2014 by Forrest Pasky

People respect people who are pompous.

Mostly because that’s a weird word.

And people respect people that can be described

with a weird word.

For example.

Bob was obtuse.

Dave was otherworldly.

My boss was pompous, obtuse, and otherworldly.

I don’t know what that actually means,

but you just got to respect all those weird words.

Me: “Hey boss, how’s it going?

You sure are looking obtuse and pompous today.”

Boss: “What about otherworldly?”

Me to self: “OK. Let’s control that ego.”