Archive for March, 2013

Evil Boss 88

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

The Day I Couldn’t Find My X-ray Machine

The janitor’s closet was not my x-ray machine.

The elevator, despite being made of metal,

was not my x-ray machine.

Likewise, the metal stalls in the women’s room

were not my x-ray machine.

So, I put my clothes back on and went back to my desk.

I also put my duck’s clothes back on.

Evil Boss #91

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

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“I’m not doing this for the money…”

“I’m already independently poor.”

Evil Boss #92

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

The Rage in Paris

First my boss said:

“Ok folks we need to think outside the box.”

I tried to, but all I could think about was that donut

with sprinkles sitting there in that pink box.

Just sitting there.

So alone.

So alone.

Some other noise came out of my boss’s mouth

and then he said:

“Ok folks we need to put on our thinking caps.”

I thought he said “drinking caps.”

So I returned from my cubicle wearing my Viking helmet

with the 2 horns sticking out the side

and drinking beer out of large horn.

I’m into horn-wear.

It’s the rage in Paris.

You got to keep your emotions in check in such situations.

I wanted to cry, yet I wanted to kill somebody.

It was the Yin and Yang of seeing my boss.

And a few beers.

And knowing with that Viking helmet I could gore him

Evil Boss #93

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Porcupines

For some reason the product effectiveness level dropped substantially,

after they replaced all the American workers at the factory with porcupines.

Was it because the porcupines were a less educated work force?

Was it because the porcupines were lazy?

Was it because the porcupines all had drug problems?

One of these reasons had to explain the rise in product defect levels,

when the porcupines took over running the condom factory.

Evil Boss #95

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

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Evil Boss #98

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Selling Water at the Oasis

We have this guy at work.

He always weaves his communication

into the most needlessly

complex web you could imagine.

Regarding some work I was doing he said:

“You’re like a man selling water at an oasis in the desert.”

On the surface that sounds like kind of a positive statement.

Finding and oasis in the desert is good.

I’m the guy that is providing water.

Sounds like I’m doing something good.

But when he left I gave it some further thought.

You’ve just found an oasis in the desert.

So you have water!

And I’m the guy there selling the water.

Shouldn’t the water just be something free

and available to everyone?

So is what I am doing completely needless?

Or, am I actually being a rather big asshole?

Was this his statement positive or negative?

With this guy I never know.

Another time before I had to talk to the CEO he said:

“Remember, the CEO is not your friend.”

What the hell was the purpose of that statement?

To make me very careful in choosing my words?

To rattle me?

I can just see the same guy at home to his kids

when they are praying to God at night:

“Remember kids, God is not your friend.”

Probably same intention here,

though I’m sure it’s unclear to them as well.

He thinks I and everyone else at work weave a similar needlessly

complex web when we communicate.

Although, he’s weird and this behavior is a bit of an annoyance,

I still consider him a friend and a reasonably good guy.

Then he gave me a call.

“I just got your email. Should I consider that a threat?”

Threat? That’s my f*cking status report.

How could that possibly be a threat?!

He’s definitely looking for something that isn’t there.

Then his wife called work and they put her through to my number by mistake.

I said it was nice to meet her and I would transfer her to her husband right away.

Her response: “Is that a threat?”

http://warsawconvolution.wordpress.com/

Evil Boss #100

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Happy Thoughts

Sometimes you just have to think “happy thoughts.”

Like when you are having breakfast at a local eatery

and you spill your cup of scalding hot coffee on your crotch.

And the waitress says: Oh, my God let me help!

And proceeds to pour the rest of the pot of scalding coffee on your crotch.

Later that day at work.

Jim: I have a new marketing idea I’d like to show you.

I have a concern that some demographic groups

may not find it appropriate.

Me: We’ll, run it by me.

Me: Jesus Christ Jim! Nobody wants to see you open a pickle jar

like that without your hands or feet.

Stop squatting and pull up your pants.

Me to self: I have to admit, I was curious as just what demographic group

Jim was targeting.

So I could kill them.

Again, time to think more “happy thoughts.”

I had run a hose connecting my running car’s exhaust system into our air conditioning system

and spent the entire day taping around the doors and windows to create a perfectly airtight office.

When people asked what I was doing I said preparing for the painters, who would be there that evening.

Everyone was pretty much unconscious,

when my boss came in dressed in SCUBA attire.

I had forgotten it was Thursday.

My boss: Please have autopsies performed on these bodies,

so we can determine when they passed

and stop paying them at the precise moment they died.

And order pizza, so you and I can work late together buddy.

Me to self: Man, I could sure use a pot of scalding hot crotch coffee.

God: Oh, my God! SCUBA boy isn’t wearing any underwear!

I see everything. I think I’m going to go blind!

I need to think some “happy thoughts.”

http://warsawconvolution.wordpress.com/