Archive for February, 2013

Evil Boss #118

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Work Taboos

Most people bring guns to work.

They just don’t tell anyone because it’s “taboo.”

It’s like getting your baby tattooed.

You know in your heart it’s what God wants,

but society prevents us from doing what’s right.

It’s become so laughable that if you went

up to your boss and said something like:

“Do you think I have a loaded gun with numerous

additional rounds of ammo under my overcoat?

He would probably call security because guns, like sex,

have become an inappropriate topic to talk about at work.

Typical boss reaction now-a-days.

Oh, look at him he has a gun.

He’s probably going to talk about sex next.

My rights are being violated.

I need to hold a kitten.

This guy is better off shot.

Check first to see if he has any gum before shooting.

Never waste gum.

It’s a sin.

This guy is definitely not the kind of person with whom

you want to talk about wild, graphic, vivid, details of sex.

Keep the kitten.

May come in handy later for petting.

Rights? Rights are like laws.

Laws are for losers.

That’s one thing I sure learned in prison.

Evil Boss #125

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Quarterly Business Review

I was invited to the Quarterly Business Review.

I started the meeting by having my dog go over his Powerpoint slides

on the prospective financials for the next 3 quarters.

I’ll have to admit the 3rd quarter projections were a bit

speculative at best.

When it came time to go over the project budget for the coming year,

I had my 3 year old wearing a cowboy outfit present a number of

alternative scenarios,

while riding her little horse and cracking a bull whip to emphasize key

points with each alternative.

During my summary, I threw my dog a colored rubber ball

and he did a flip and caught it in his mouth.

As we concluded the meeting everyone shook my hand

and congratulated me on the presentation.

My boss was particularly pleased:

“Thanks.”

“That was quite a dog and pony show.”

Evil Boss #126

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

One Monkey

One monkey stood out from all the other the monkeys.

He was the one that was standing up.

All the other monkeys were sitting in their monkey chairs

reading a magazine.

Sometimes it doesn’t take much in life to differentiate

yourself from all the others.

To be noticed.

To stand out.

Like not having a chair or a magazine.

Evil Boss #128

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

Dead Snake Day at Work

I’m not the kind of person that typically cares about things.

When someone says: “Oh my God the tank holding all the snake poison

just exploded.”

My reaction: “Were any snakes killed?”

Someone: “Yes. All of them.”

Me: “Does anyone know what the special is in the cafeteria today?”

That morning I inadvertently sent 10, 000 copies

of my resume to the printer at work.

My boss was furious and had to use the other printer

to print his resume.

When the hotdog wagon exploded

outside the front lobby many people cried.

Others took it as an opportunity to steal mustard.

After lunch, I again I inadvertently sent 10, 000 copies

of my resume to the printer at work.

My boss was furious as that printer could

also being used to photocopy one’s ass

and he had to go to another printer.

Somebody thought it would be funny to cover

some of the dead snakes with mustard.

Actually, I guess it was pretty funny.

Later that afternoon, I again inadvertently sent 10, 000 copies

of my resume to the printer at work.

My boss was furious as he needed more photocopies of his ass.

He was wearing 2 dead snakes covered with mustard as slippers.

Before going home I found a partially dead snake.

Partially.

To be on the safe side I put the snake in a box on my boss’s desk

that had some cryptic note saying: “Happy Anniversary Honey.”

I had been carrying my smart phone around in my pocket all day

and I wanted to see if by chance I had taken any good pictures

of the inside of my pocket.

When I started to scroll through the pictures

I inadvertently sent 10,000 copies of my resume to the printer.

I had to wait for my printouts as my boss had gotten to the printer first

to photocopy his ass.

Evil Boss #129

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Weekly Work Diary

Monday

I had systematically gone through the pink donut box and eaten

all the frosting off the donuts that had sprinkles.

Also chocolate and maple.

Well, any that had frosting.

So when people came in to get their donuts

they encountered a box of naked donuts with gnaw marks.

As most people would not believe that a human being would do something

like this, I criticized management for their lack of control

over the rodent problem.

A man walked by with a tuba.

Me: “Look a guy with a tuba. “

“He was supposed to take care of the rats.”

“Get him! “

Wednesday

Some bosses refer to you as “valued team members”

or even “colleagues.”

Some bosses are more old school and refer to you as a “subordinate.”

I like being referred to as a “subordinate.”

This implied inferiority of my position makes me feel

less guilty when I don’t do any work.

I actually feel pretty darn good about this.

If such a boss were ever to ask about this lack of performance

I would just say:

“Well, what did you expect? I’m a subordinate.”

“I don’t know why you hired a subordinate in the first place.”

Friday

In retrospect it was probably a mistake to wear that bear

costume on “casual Friday.”

The previous Friday a bear had badly mauled a number of employees

and they never did catch him.

As the horse tranquiller they shot me in the butt with was starting to take

effect, it was also probably a bad idea to send out those last few emails.

I think I wrote one about bears not being terrorists,

which I inadvertently typed up as: “I am The Bear Terrorist.”

In the end HR had to let me go or it would look like they were

“profiling” bears.

And my new nickname “The Bear Terrorist”

made other employees fear me.

Me: “Look a guy with a tuba. Get him!”

Evil Boss #130

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

The World’s Richest Man

If I were the world’s richest man.

I would buy the world’s biggest diamond.

Or the world’s biggest monkey.

It’s a hard decision to make.

I’m glad I won’t have to make it.

Because I’m not the world’s richest man.

That’s probably how he got so rich.

Making these kind of the hard decisions.

Evil Boss #131

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2013 by Forrest Pasky

Ducks in a Row

Sometimes out of necessity you need to get your ducks in a row.

There are mallards.

There are whatever other kind of ducks there are besides mallards.

When they get in a row it’s kind of like being in line.

There’s pushing and shoving.

And then there’s the inevitable duck who tries to cut in line.

Hey, that duck’s my boss.

The other ducks complain bitterly quacking,

but I just let him keep his new place.

I figure he must have a good reason for wanting

to get into the oven before the other ducks.