Archive for December, 2012

Evil Boss #189

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

Infinite Superiority Pill

One day my boss had just sat down to take a number 2.

Having a well-balance diet he proceeded to produce a twelve-inch brown

snake with a thickness like a garden hose. As he looked down at what he

had just created, it followed the curvature of the bowl creating the

impression of a smile. He looked down at his number two, which looked

back at him and just smiled. He in turn returned the smile. He smiled at

his  number 2 and his number 2 smiled back at him.

Suddenly, he was hit with a sense of the significance of his place in the

universe. A feeling of divine satisfaction, much in the same way that God

must feel when he gets up in the morning, has a cup of coffee, and takes

his infinite superiority pill.

He looked down again. The smile persisted and  it winked at him.

Suddenly things didn’t seem, so funny.

Was he being mocked by my own turd?

Why you dirty, little….

He flushed and it was over.

Top that God.

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Evil Boss #190

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

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Door to Door Souls Salesman

I sold my soul to the Devil.

Got such a good price I was able

to pay off the payments on my car.

An eternity of damnation seemed like

a small price to pay to get rid of that car

payment in this economy.

I sold my boss’s soul to the devil as well.

I was actually surprised that he still had one.

And he never missed it after I sold it.

I used the money to buy an armadillo.

I found I was pretty good at this soul selling

thing, so I gathered up the souls from some

people that I figured would never miss them

and started selling them door to door in the

neighborhoods of hell.

The Devil was always easy to deal with and

Frankly a lot nicer than my previous boss.

He also offered to match the first $1000

of my 401K, unlike my previous job.

Yes, working in hell was truly heaven.

Then I got bill from the IRS on back taxes

owed on sold sells. I talked to the Devil and

he said he was being audited. Then the

government started to garnish his wages.

And took his cat.

That was the first time that I realized

in life that true evil does exist.

Evil Boss #191

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

The Smartest Man Alive

My boss was the smartest man alive.

He told us so every day, so it had to be true.

Bosses never lie.

One day the smartest man alive died.

People came from miles around to hear him talk at his own funeral.

But he silent.

Because he was dead.

The people that came from miles around

were not the smartest men alive.

Or smartest women alive.

But they did like hotdog eating contests,

so after sitting there in silence for hours someone yelled:

“When does the hot dog eating contest begin?!”

The smartest man previously alive sat up in his coffin and said:

“Not until the mustard arrives.”

Then he laid down in his coffin and died again.

Everyone agreed that he indeed

the smartest man alive, then dead,

then alive, then dead again.

They cried and cried and cried.

Until the mustard arrived

and the hot dog eating contest began.

Evil Boss #193

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

Headless Chicken

Sometimes our management acts

like a bunch of headless chickens.

Running around and bumping into the walls

blood squirting everywhere

Sometimes they go to big offsite meetings

and come back energized with business action plans.

They run around and bump into the wall a lot harder.

Even more blood squirts everywhere.

They all congratulate each other on the progress.

Blood squirtage appears to be one of our  key performance indicators.

I suppose this is appropriate.

Sometimes the lunch wagon stops in the parking lot.

The one filled with all the roaster ovens.

We lead our management out by their wings

and shove them in.

Everyone enjoys the roasted chicken.

Sometimes we have Margaritas.

The following Monday there’s a new flock

of headless chickens at work.

Usually followed by an email about the reorg.

Evil Boss #194

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

Headless Horseman

The headless chicken’s decided thing would improve

if we hired a motivational speaker like the Headless Horseman.

So he came in and just stood there holding the pumpkin

that was his head in his hand not saying at thing.

He’s headless you know.

Guess that’s why they call him the Headless Horseman.

He also can’t talk.

Because he’s headless.

Guess that’s why they call him the Headless Horseman.

He just stood up there for about 40 minutes.

He changed which hand he held his pumpkin head in a few times

Afterwards, having been properly “motivated” we were herded back

to our cubicles.

No cattle prods were required.

Later we had roasted chicken and pumpkin pie.

HR gave everyone a key chain with the company logo on it.

Unfortunately, we did not have the garbage can capacity to hold

all the key chains, so some ended up in urinals in the men’s room.

There was another reorg on Monday.

Evil Boss #195

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

Why I Like 3 Day Weekends

When my boss goes into one of the stalls in the bathroom I usually

pretend to leave bathroom circling back when there is no one left,

so I can turn off the lights.

As he starts to yell I pull the fire alarm to evacuate the building.

It typically takes an hour or so for the fire department to come and

determine there is no fire and for someone to turn the lights back on

again.

Everyone needs time to think.

Alone.

In the dark.

With their pants down around their ankles.

Of course, on Friday’s when the firemen arrive sometimes we just go

home. I apologize to the firemen and tell them it was a false alarm and

give them $20 for beer.

Everyone wins.

When we return to work the following week, I’ll often put a sign on the

men’s room door that says:

“Please use other bathroom until toilette overflow from this weekend has

been cleaned up.”

That sign is usually good until about Thursday.

Evil Boss #196

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2012 by Forrest Pasky

The Invincibility of Bosses

They were always looking for ways to increase productivity at work.

Our boss made the constructive suggestion that we reduce our bathroom time.

To make his point he sat at his desk for 3 years never going to the bathroom.

Then we realized he was dead.

It was a good way to make his point.

If only more bosses were willing to make their point in

a similar manner.

I can’t help but think it would be a better world.

For example:

A boss: “We are using far too many paperclips!”

Boss found dead holding a paperclip run over by a small

turtle driving a steam roller in the parking lot.

What better way to make his point?

A small turtle!!!

Further example:

I was convinced my boss was a professional sword swallower.

When I shoved the sword down his throat, much to my

astonishment he proved not to be.

After this I kind of lost respect for him and never looked at

him the same. Especially, after we buried him in the lawn

next to the parking lot. The small turtle ran his steam roller

over the ground where we buried the boss to flatten it out all

nice and normal like.

God bless that little guy.

In the olden days they used to take baby seals and use

them to club bosses to death.

The baby seals seemed to enjoy it as well as they would often

get a ride on the small turtle’s steam roller afterward.

That little guy’s been around forever and everyone loves him.

Perhaps he’s God.

I asked my boss if this was the case, but he gave me the silent treatment

It was interesting because the bullet hole went in one ear and came out

the other ear. You could look through his head and wave at  the small turtle.

He waved back and we all felt closer to God.